iVillage UK

Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom

Question: My new-born baby daughter sleeps in our bedroom and this makes us feel very self conscious about having sex, though I don't really know why as it's not like she's taking any of it in. Is it wrong for us to do this?

Dear Sexy Mamma,

Well I'm glad to hear someone's got the energy to even think about sex as a new mum because quite frankly between dirty nappies and crying most women lose any semblance of a sex drive for many months. You get my 'supermum' nomination.

No, it's not wrong for you to do this but you're not listening to your intuition - which is telling you this is one baby-sized - but still big turn-off! Answer these questions: can you really relax when you hear little baby snuffles emanating from her cot? Deep down are you worried that your moans and groans will wake her from that rare state of baby-sleep? Of course you can't relax plus you do worry about rousing her.

Thankfully there's a super easy solution. When your partner has that look of 'lust' in his eyes and you know tonight's the night, move her cot into the sitting room so you can have some uninterrupted mummy-and-daddy time. Switch on the baby monitor while you're in the bedroom - for peace of mind. Then forget about baby stuff and enjoy some time with each other.

Even easier, why not get cosy on the couch together having left her asleep in the bedroom. There's no rule that you can only have fun in bed. Definitely keep an 'on-call' goodie bag tucked away so your favourite sex toys, lubricant, massage oil, pot of honey (whatever you like to use in your foreplay!), handcuffs, etc, are ready to go when you two are.

Extra tip: Definitely get your mums and trusted friends into babysitting duties so you can have complete evenings or, say, Saturday and Sunday afternoons together. Ban talking about baby things and enjoy each other as a couple.

Happy loving, Dr Pam xx

www.drpam.co.uk

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Question: His penis is too big for us to enjoy a normal sex life. What can we do?

Dear Big Willie Worries,

Any man reading your question's thinking, "Come on, this has got to be a fake letter! Too big? No such thing!" But you're living proof that size does matter and NOT in the expected way where occasionally women complain their man's packing a baby carrot in his pocket rather than a banana.

Don't fret as there's loads you can do with a big boy. Let me take things in order from start to finish.

For starters, when confronted with an eye-watering, jumbo-size penis you need to be completely aroused and well-lubricated. As well as your natural vaginal lubrication from plenty of foreplay, keep a good quality lubricant to hand. If you start feeling uncomfortable he can slather it on you (sensually done, mind you, so it's like a hot part of sex-play).

Next you need to select positions where you're, quite frankly, spread eagle! This gives him more room for penetration. The "Lazy Doggie-Style" is perfect. Imagine classic Doggie where you're on your hands and knees, he's behind you. In the "Lazy Doggie" you slide your hands down so you're on your elbows. This lifts and opens your pelvis, naturally widening you.

Also "Girls on Top" position gives you control. He lies flat on his back, with you on top of him, and your legs open around his hips making penetration easier.

Now I've mentioned the word "control" and control is the next phase of conquering what's been a problem but should become a pleasure. This requires straight-talking where you let him know that YOU want to control the speed, friction and depth of penetration. That way he never goes too deep or fast.

Final tip: No matter the position, slip your hand between your pelvises to make sure he doesn't go all the way in.

Enjoy! Dr Pam xx

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